Everyday Systems: nosdiet: message 2310 of 3212

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----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Debbie Feder" <deborahfederlmt@...>
>Yesterday was so out of character for my mom... Diane, yes it was a victory 

>for sure, and actually, when I think about it, she has recently asked me 

>how things with my "diet" are going? Some interest I guess... You wrote 

>that it would warm anyones heart to get a message like she wrote, whether 

>it followed good or bad times... I have to say, that it is *such* a rarity 

>to agree on *anything* with her that it was especially important to me 

>because, usually, emotional support is sadly lacking... I know this sounds 

>like an exaggeration, but I can tell you with total honesty, that my mom 

>has a very hard time saying positive things to me... (etc.)

I feel sincere sympathy for you--I honestly can't imagine having a parent 

like that. At least you have taken a step back and seen what helped make 

her that way.

On the other hand, my parents are wonderful, loving, supportive people, the 

absolute BEST in the world!!! and I still managed to grow up horribly shy 

and self-conscious, have a massive inferiority complex (whatever that is), 

and go through all kinds of emotional struggles either causing or caused by 

the eating problems I started having as a teenager. It's utterly ridiculous 

that in spite of growing up in a great family--totally functional!--I chose 

(yes, I'll take responsibility) to form my poor self-image from the fickle, 

irrational, STUPID opinions of my peers. In spite of not even agreeing with 

them about most things, I still chose to accept and "agree with" their 

judgment on my appearance.

As you may imagine, this monologue could continue for a very long time and 

go in many directions. I certainly won't do that now...I just want to bring 

up this point for whatever it's worth: that if you don't let one person put 

you down, you still may allow another person to do it...and if you don't let 

any other person do it, I've discovered that we can all do a fantastic job 

of cutting *ourselves* to ribbons, unfairly, cruelly and irrationally--we 

treat ourselves more harshly than we would ever treat someone else! So, 

ultimately we can never blame someone else for our problems. I know you're 

not really doing that--just wishing things could be different. It's really 

hard to let go of something *good* that we want. But you'll probably agree 

that we are all prone to look around for someone to blame when things go 

wrong, and it's a pointless exercise.

Sorry for sounding like an amatueur psychiatrist or something!
Diane